Bounce

Since the new fall schedule has begun, I feel as if we simply bounce from one activity or appointment to another.  I am barely keeping up here.  I thought that things would slow down and I would feel happily at ease once Avery was in school all day and the twins were in school twice each week.  I am bummed that at this point, it is not the case. 

I have realized something lately.  As dumb and cliche as this may sound right now...simply put; Motherhood Changes You.  I know you all just had an "A-Ha" moment right???  Well, I have been feeling the effects of "Motherhood" for quite a while now and it seems like every time I think I am about to get back to being "Me" I somehow fall short.  What happened to that girl who was impeccably organized?  The girl who was NEVER late?  The girl who enjoyed being on the go, meeting up with friends and attending every social activity known to man?  The girl who had confidence in every thing she did, every choice she made and every person in her life?  She.Is.Gone.

Well, not totally(and sometimes I do catch glimpses of her in the mirror)but for the most part she is a thing of the past.  It is hard to look at who you are and not be completely sure that who you see is not really who you want to be.  Most of the time I feel like I am just taking things one day at a time.  I never really have a plan anymore, organization is out the window and for the life of me I just cannot show up on time anywhere I go.  I have all of these ideas in my head, places to go, things to do, friends to see, but when you have no plan your intentions often fall by the wayside.  I have been trying to get "back on track" for quite a while now.  I find myself thinking...if only ________, then I would get so much more done.  I would have a plan etc....but then the ________happens, and I am still floundering around.  It is very frustrating.

What I am trying to do for now is embrace the fact that yes, I am different but it is not the end of the world.  I am still in here somewhere and I need to tap into that inner part of myself and figure out a way to make her shine again.  I yearn to feel in control rather than merely floating along day by day.  I want to be able to be organized and make it to events on time.  I want to have a freaking plan!  So, I am working on this.  Every day, I am trying to do something to provoke the inner me to come out to play.  I am going to get a schedule going and I am going to be satisfied that while motherhood has changed me I can still be who I want to be.

I have started by running in the mornings with my neighbor.  We get up at 6:30 and meet in our cul-de-sac and we run for about 25 minutes.  We are still trying to get into our groove, and it is only week 2, but I really enjoy my time with her.  I feel like it is a great start to making my daily plan.  I come home, make a cold lunch for Avery to bring to school, drink some coffee, make breakfast for the kiddo's, make lunch for Chadd and often check my email, facebook, and my blog.  It is what happens after Chadd leaves and Avery gets on the bus that I am trying to work out.  I have only the twins at this point which is new for me.  I love hanging out with them. We do puzzles and we go places, but I feel like there has to be some sort of consistency and some routine.  I know...you are thinking, Jeez Amber, you have three kids, you think you would have figured this out by now....NOPE!  Still tweaking it people.  I feel like far too often my lack of planning leads to a lot of checking my facebook, email etc...and letting the kids watch a movie(or 3) and then nothing gets done.  I realize that 3 hours have gone by and I am exhausted from doing...nothing!  On the contrary; there are days that I am running around doing errands or going places with the twins that once again, I get home just in time for nap time and I am exhausted and have no desire to clean up the house, fold the 10 loads of laundry sitting in my bedroom in baskets, or even think about what to make for dinner.

I am really not trying to complain about my life.  Lets face it, the fact that I GET to stay home with my kids is one of the greatest things about my life.  A lot of people don't have the opportunity to do this and I am so grateful that I am fortunate enough to have the chance to do so.  But, it does get old some days and working husbands have an uncanny knack of "not understanding" what we go through on a daily basis.  This makes you feel isolated and pretty unsupported....a topic for a later post :) 

When the fall routine was upon us, I kept saying, "I cannot wait to get my pre-baby brain back."  Imagine my surprise to come to find out that perhaps that feat is actually unobtainable?  Maybe I am just lacking the  motivation to make a real change.  I feel like I have lost my mojo, my creativity, my spark.  I am searching for it.  I know I can find it somewhere.  I am okay with a few more weeks of this "bouncing."  Kindergarten...bounce...preschool....bounce.....errands....bounce.....dance.....bounce....bounce....bounce.....but after that...NO MORE BOUNCING!

I am working on all of this. I am determined to get things under control!  A schedule, a routine, a way to feel like I have the time and energy to be me.  Don't we all want that?  To be who we want to be?  To have some type of control and satisfaction in our daily lives?  Are we really truly "living" if we are not trying to be better people?  If we are not striving for more in our lives?  I feel like I am always working on me.  I want to learn and grow and mature and experience.   Do you feel the same way?